Crapping 101 #55 - Lost count of the head count..

ZOMG, been ages since i came on blog...well, to be honest, i have lost count of how many men has checked me out...I think its about 20 now...20 only, chill lah..im not hot..LMFAO~


But here, updates...


I quit my job in fairfuckingview...LOL... Now im working at an event agency, encoremedia in Subang..Well, it's a bangladeshi company, but who cares..But anyhow, I have another offer, now working freelance with that other offer..HeHeHe...Kecurangan..LOL~


Other than that, well, I have no more feelings for Mr.Sunshine...NON AT ALL!! And im glad..LOL~ Still single, looking for the perfect man to be a husband...Have tons of scandals...been driving 120 these days, since i drove my boss's BMW the other day...LOL...Got hurt again by this stupid army dude, but wtf, part of life i guess...I can deal with being hurt these days...LOL...What else..erm...Been feeling better these days,health wise...Other than that, everything is gud so far...


So, we'll see how things goes in the near future...I have a plan now, find tons of money, open my own designing company...so...let's see... :)


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #54 --> Head Count to how many men who check me out!!

Wow Wee Junior Juice!!!! LOL~


My head count, from 5, now has reached 9...and one of it, the number 8, is actually my ex boyfriend, the longest relationship boyfriend...


Muahahaha, I'm looking better and better day by day...After all, I love the attention, so, might aswell work hard to achieve my goal right? Goal and GOLD! LMFAO~


Ngee Hee Hee...


So, as today, 04.02.2012, my head count is now 9.


Let's see how far more I can go. Note, my head count will stop on the 27th June 2012!


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #53 --> Full of crap...LOL~

Today, I'm feeling a little down.


I wish I could see him, get a hug from him, get a kiss from him, talk to him, one last time...


I miss him, his text messages, his calls, laughing with him, telling him shiet...Haih...How sad it is when things were fine, but there are unfair reasons just lingering around...


It took me 2 years to forget Ied before this... I wonder how long it's going to take for me to forget Mr. Sunshine...LMFAO~ 


Anyway, today is a very boring day. Woke up at 4 plus...Been doing nothing since then.. It feels like I have no brain or someshit like that...I think even Patrick the starfish has a better day than mine. HaHaHa...


Oh shiet..Suddenly, I'm wondering, how is he doing in Jakarta? Is he fine? Has he been eating well? Has he been taking care of his health? Has he been fucking around? Shiet...WTF? Why am I thinking about him. He quit on me. Ahh, enough Nathra, fuck it, forget!!


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #52 --> Head Count to how many men who check me out!!

So, recently, I have decided to do a head count, on how many people in Malaysia or in this world would find me attractive... Meaning, they would either check me out, or have the guts to approach me.


Last week, Thursday, there was 1 guy, who was actually checking me out. He was in his car, waiting for only God knows what. I'm not sure if he's chinese or malay. He was in a Viva. I walked from 7 Eleven at Convent Kajang school to my car. He watched me. I got in my car, started the engine, turned on the inner lights coz I was about to top up my phone. I looked at him, I noticed he was staring at me..After I topped up my phone, I turned off the lights, then I looked at him again, I saw him showing his phone to me, with the screen facing my direction, I guess that's his way of saying 'hey, whats ur number'...LMFAO~ He should have just be a man, got down of the car, and approached me. Anyway, that was the 1st guy.


Then, yesterday, I went to Cameron Highlands with Mom, Dad and Rini. There, 3 guys checked me out. Aha, yes, not 1, but 3!!! LOL~ Alright, this just means that my plan to be hot, is working! :) Being hot is not only just looking good (face) alright people, being hot means, you gotta walk proudly, gracefully, like you own the world, and dress up nice, have confidence, speak good English with accent...Damn, it's tough alright!! Anyway, all together, head count, 4 now...


Today, CNY lunch at cik P's home, as usual, this is the 4th year I go there, it is my culture now for CNYs. After lunch, went to meet cik R, at Bangsar. Went to do threading and face+neck bleaching again, shit, the lady did my eyebrow a little to thin..LOL~ Nevermind that. Then, me and cik R, went shopping, then chill at Coffee Bean & Tealeaf. While walking in Bangsar Village 2, there was a dude, he was old lah, I think around 40ish...He checked me out. LMFAO~ I was talking to cik R, telling her about living in New York, being hot, walking like we own the world...So I was walking straight, with chest out, with English accent..He saw me, he checked me out as he passed by me...LOL~ So, head count, 5 now!!!


5 people checked me out...Hmm...How many more to come? I guess we'll just wait and see.. Ngee Hee Hee.. I guess this break up is doing me good. Sad, but I'm hot now, so who cares? LMFAO~


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #51 --> Miss, miss, miss... :)

Alright.


I think I miss him. I wish I could replay 30th October - 11th December 2011 again and again. LMFAO~


It was nice having him calling me, texting me, skyping with me, staring at me, listening to me, smiling at me, laughing with me. Owh dear, I'm only me when I was with him. I felt so real and alive. :)


Oh those sweet memories. But, I guess, shit happens, you can never escape the shits of life right? LOL~


Kalau saja semua itu masih berlaku....


It's occay. I will get my feet back on the ground. But, I still will wait for him, even if it takes forever, even if he has moved on.


Lirikan matanya, telah terpahat di dada. Senyuman ikhlasnya, telah terbuku di hati. Ahh, rindunya aku dengan dia. :)


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #50 --> I wished the future never appeared in mind...

I have been asking myself a million times, do I actually want to marry him?


At 1st, the answer was YES, YES and YES...Then, been thinking so deep, I did not had a single thought about marriage for the first time in my life while I was in a relationship. I never even thought I would have dated him. So I guess, my answer would be a NO. I don't know who the fuck he is, how can I say I want to marry him. I guess, my intention was just to love, be loved, but, not marriage. Basically, what I'm saying here is, I just wanted to be in a relationship with him. Nothing more than that.


I was driving back alone from my grandmother's house. This thought came to mind. Therefore, I'm blogging it here.


Been thinking so deep. He acts like he's all mature, but no, he's actually not. Hey, I'm not saying I am. LOL~ He acts like he's all tough, but no, he's actually not. Maybe what I have been writing in my blog, made him, and a lot of people think, that I would want to marry him. Maybe it freaked him out. Hey, I'll never know.


Anyway, after thinking and those thoughts came to my mind, next thing I know, I was already in Kajang, passing by Kajang Church, I just thought about him. And I felt sad, to be honest, I felt like fuck, I think I miss him. And wish that I could tell him that all I wanted was just a relationship from him.


But what the fuck, what's done is done. All we can do is not to think back, or even look at the future, but look at life now, and live the life. Ahaks, if that was so easy to be done, I wouldn't have had a blog in the first place right? LOL~


u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #49 --> It finally hits my farking brain..

The long drive home, traffic jam.


I managed to ask Dad a question. The intention was to try to understand Mr. Sunshine's decision on the break up.


ME : Dad, when you marry Mom, were you scared? About religion.


The first thing he replied.


DAD : That's why I dated Mom for 7 years. To ensure that I love her, to ensure that I understand and learn about the religion and culture.


Wow. He really did love her. He said, a guy who really loves you, would do anything for you, even die for you. I guess what he meant was, if a guy really loves me, he would take a bullet for me straight in his heart. Meaning, if someone were to shoot me, the guy would be willing to jump in front of me so the bullet would hit him, instead of me.


I guess, in Dad's case, he did not quit the relationship. He really knew what he was signing up for. He took the challenge. He really did love Mom. He also said, if a girl is willing to do anything for a guy, that's no use, the marriage would not last long.


That just put sense in my head. I guess, Mr. Sunshine did love me, but he did not love me till the extend that he would die for me. I guess, there's just no use in being together. I'm going to move on. Yet, deep in my heart, I know, I still wish he would have love me to the extend of doing anything for me, I still wish he did not quit on me, I still wish he is the one whom I will wake up to every day for the rest of my life. After all, he even moved on now, he's happy wherever on earth he is, he doesn't even care a single shiet about me, so, why should I suffer right? :) After all, if he really loved me, he would still wont have the heart to look at any girls, fuck any girls, he would have still want to know about me, he would have still called me, misses me, love me, he would still keep in contact with me.


After the talk with Dad, I changed my decision, a man must be willing to jump in front of the bullet for me. I'm not going to do anything for a guy anymore. Fuck that shiet. If a guy really had balls, he must do anything for me.


I'm glad Dad did not quit on Mom. I'm glad he took 7 years to date her, to know that he really loves her, and to convert. I'm glad he is my father. And I'm farking glad I had that talk with Dad.


Mr. Sunshine is my true love I guess, cause I was willing to do anything for him, but he may not be the one I will end up with. True love only come once, but it doesn't mean that they will be the one you'll end up with. Sometimes, even a couple who's married for 30 years, they would still be thinking of 'Hey, I once had a real true love, but it did not happen.'


Anyway, Mr. Sunshine, if you read this, note this dear, you will always be my true love. I will always have a place for you in my heart, in my life. But, if you are not willing to take a bullet for me, I guess your decision was right. Thank you, for ending it now, than ending it later. I guess you were right all along, when you said you did not want us to get hurt later. I guess you blocking me on facebook was the right thing to do after all. It is helping me, eventhough I still do love you and miss you, and do hope you'll come back. But, I guess, I owe you an apology, and a thank you. I hope, one day, we will meet, and would laugh about the past.


Oh Oh, I'm going to start a head count, on how many guys out there, who tries to woo me, who's attracted to me... Just for fun. Hey, I'm still holding on to my words, I don't think I want to get married. ;) Too many things I have seen and learn from marriages. Enough. Too scary. I think the only perfect one I have seen so far is, erm, Mr. Sunshine's parents. Alright, goodbye marriage, hello to the new Nathra!!


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #48 --> 19.01.2012 Updates...

Today, 19.01.2012.


Apuchi's 1 year death prayer. I went, at about 11ish. Saw her picture, then realized how much I misses her. And how things were different for last deepavali and the coming deepavalis. No more waking up in the morning to go to see Apuchi on each deepavali. No more visiting her. No more smelling her smell. :(


Then, while at the prayer, Mom told me Nenek is not well. She started hallucinating and stuff. Seeing the dead. She's already in between reality and the other world. Just like Apuchi before she died. So we went and visit Nenek after the prayer. She was just lying on the bed, as usual, bedridden. I felt like crying looking at her like that. If she dies too, that's it, I won't have any grandmother anymore. As it is, I have never met my grandfathers, they died before I was born. It's gonna be so weird again for each Hari Raya. But, part of me feels like it's best that she goes away. She's suffering so much, just sleeping all day, no movement. Hmm. :(


Then, on the way back, I drove, Dad sat at the passenger seat. The long traffic jam given me a chance to talk to Dad, privately. Update on the next blog.


Btw, last night, I slept, I woke up suddenly, hearing my own voice, calling my name twice 'Nathra, Nathra.' FARKING SCARY OCCAY!!! Ngee~


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #47 --> 18.01.2012 Update

Alright.


So I went to Seremban, to meet Dr. R. Walking in the psychiatry department was a little weird for me, felt like I was a crazy girl, checking in an asylum by myself. HaHaHa.


I was prescribed with medication. Hurmp~ Dr. R gave me 'Fluoxetine' and sleeping pills 'T. Lorazepam'.. He said 'Fluoxetine' will make me happy all the time. Muahahahaha, just what I need! Let's see whether it will make me happy.


Anyway, googled this drug, got the answers to it.


Q1 : Why do I need this medicine?
A1 : Fluovex is used to treat depression.

It can also be used to treat anxiety disorders such as panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or an eating disorder known as bulimia nervosa.

Fluovex may also be used together with other medicines to treat other depressive conditions as decided by your doctor.

Fluovex belongs to a group of antidepressants known as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs).

Q2 : What side effects would I experience?

A2 : Fluovex may make you drowsy or dizzy. If you are affected, do not drive or take part in any activity in which you need to be alert.

Common side effects of Fluovex include headache, abnormal dreams, loss of appetite, anxiety, weakness, diarrhoea, dry mouth, indigestion, flu, difficulty sleeping, tiredness, loss of sex drive, nausea, nervousness, sore throat, rash, sweating, tremors and hot flushes.

Alert your doctor if any of these side effects are severe or refuse to go away.

Other side effects are less common but may need medical help. Alert your doctor if you develop any of these symptoms:
- hallucinations
- unusual restlessness and the inability to rest or sit still
- agitation or extreme, unexplained excitement (non-stop talking, moving or gesticulating)
- very fast, irregular or pounding heartbeat
- difficulty breathing
- severe muscle spasm or stiffness

*SHIT!!!LOSS OF SEX DRIVE??!! LMFAO~

Q3 : Are there any restriction to the type of food I can take?

A3 : Avoid alcohol. Alcohol, even in small amounts, can worsen the drowsiness caused by Fluovex. It can also affect your reaction time and make it unsafe for you to drive or take part in activities in which you need to be alert.

*GOOD, GONNA QUIT DRINKING ANYWAYS!

So, those are the 3 main important questions on my head..Ngeee~

Hope I wont have those side effects!!! Scary....

Anyways, that's all bout the update on 18th January 2012... ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #46 --> The rules and updates on me...

Let me start by saying this. This country is not fair eh. The rules are crap.


Next, I'm going to say, life is unfair too.


If they were to allow inter-religion marriages, no one would feel so pain, and everyone would be happy. Well, everyone has their own faith to hold on to, even if they married another race, if they still believe in what they believe in, so what? Even if they converted just for formality sake, and still believe in their own faith, so what? Other countries allow all these, which I think is awesome. Can I be there please!! Haihh..


Life...Why is there such thing as being scared? Why is there such thing as being daring? Haihh.. Can't everything be mutual, the same? That say 'If you love someone, learn to let that person go', it's so bloody unfair. What's the point of loving someone, if you have to let go? Just the same with what's the point, of starting something beautiful, then, because of things happening around you, you quit that something beautiful, for someone else's sake, not for your own sake. Hmm.


But alright, I'm starting to accept the facts. I'm starting to move on, trying to put a smile on my face, but it seems so fake. I hate being fake. I'm only me when I'm with him. But I guess this is reality, you love someone so much, and at one point, you just got to let go. Reality is a bitch. A real pain in the ass. Nevermind, time will heal me. But yeap, I'm not going to love anymore, couldn't care about it anymore. I just know, there's only one person I love, that I will wait for till eternity. I know it is stupid, but he was the best. He was just too special, too perfect. But, I also wish the best for him in everything.


Life goes on, yes. I will do the things that I have always wanted to do all these while. For a start, loose weight and go gothic. I want to be like that girl Abby on CSI. ZOMG, she has always made me amazed, she inspires me. Then, I'm going to make sure I own a scrambler bike, go for rally races. Owh, awesomeness. I would make people amazed by my appearance. Find a job I would love working in. Find my true self, cause he whom I love and can never stop loving, inspires me to see wonders ahead of me.


I can never hate him, in fact, I'm actually blessed to have had him in my life before, because of him, I'm changing, I have the courage to change. He made me want to look good, he made me want to dress like a girl, he made me want to loose weight, he made me see wonders of life. So, thank you, YOU. And because of him, I'm also blessed to have great friends. Because of him, I knew what love was, eventhough I know it's impossible to see it ever again, what I saw in his eyes, and the love I saw that his parents have for each other, Wow, I'm blessed.


Gee, I'm actually smiling while writing all these. The memories, makes me happy. The flashbacks, makes me happy. Yes, there are times when I would feel so sad, feel so unfair, but, reality check, that's life eh. We just got to be strong and face it.


Alright, tomorrow, my appointment with the psychologist is at 8.30 a.m. I'm scared to go, but I'm looking forward to finding out what it will be like. Like a friend said, sometimes, we would listen to a person who wears a white coat, who tells us things in a way that we can understand. Hope he would help me, and I hope by meeting this doctor, I would help myself :)


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #45 --> Fikirkan sejenak teman-temanku, hidup ini sangat aneh.

Hidup ini sangat aneh.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang amat membenci diri kita. Di mana titik permulaan kesalahan kita, bolehkah di undurkan semula kesalahan itu? Setiap orang, pasti boleh mendapat keampunan dari orang yang membenci. Semua orang berhak menerima peluang kedua.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang amat mencintai diri kita. Padahal, kita tidak sehebat mana pun. Bukan harta dan kekayaan yang dicari, tapi, kesucian di dalam hati yang di nilai. Tanya, kenapa cinta dia amat suci dan ikhlas terhadap diri kita? Kenapa dia tidak boleh melupakan kita? Haruskah aku mencuba sekali lagi, memberi peluang kepadanya? Tanya diri anda semua itu. Sekali lagi, setiap manusia berhak menerima peluang kedua.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa diri kita amat menyintai seseorang itu. Memang dia tidak memiliki harta, tidak memiliki rupa sekacak Brad Pitt, tapi, hatinya amat murni, dan matanya hanya menunjukkan cinta ikhlas. Kelakuannya, tutur katanya, cara dia membawa diri, cara dia menghormati, mungkin kerana semua itu, kita tidak dapat melupakan seseorang itu sehingga ke akhir hayat.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang sanggup berkorban apa sahaja untuk kita. Keluarga, agama, anak-anak yang dicintainya, hidupnya. Tanya pada diri, betulkah begitu suci, murni dan ikhlas cintanya terhadap diri kita? Bolehkah dia menjadi ibu/bapa kepada anak kita? Kalau sudah sanggup di korbankan segalanya, telah difikir panjang oleh dirinya, memang, dia boleh menjadi isteri/suami kepada diri anda. Kerana, cinta sejati itu bermaksud, mereka yang sanggup melakukan apa sahaja, demi menyelamatkan suatu hubungan, demi untuk membahagiakan kita.

Setiap orang berhak menerima peluang kedua dalam hidup. Ujian memang akan terus datang dan tidak akan pernah meninggalkan kita. Semua itu, hanya untuk menguji kekuatan mental dan fizikal diri kita. Menguji kecekalan diri kita. Menguji sedalam mana keikhlasan diri kita. Menguji kesedaran diri kita.

Fikirkan sejenak teman-temanku. Jadilah manusia yang sentiasa memberi peluang kepada orang yang lain, kerana itu akan menjadikan diri kita hebat dan dipandang tinggi oleh masyarakat.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Dear You... #2

Dear you,


I just have to write this down. Sorry.


I can't seem to get you out of my mind. I just miss you too much. I wish you'd meet me, so I could just shake you off and tell you that I fucking love and miss you so much! But I also wish I could turn back time, so I could undo the mistake I did, the one that made you hated me so badly. Now, not only I lost you as the one I love, but even lost you as a friend.


I'm going to let go of my ego, and admit this.


Yes, I am madly deeply in love with you. Yes, I am willing to wait for you till the day I die. Yes, I'm loosing my mind not having you around. Yes, you mean the world to me. Yes, I would be there for you, through every single thing that you'd go through. Yes, I would take the pain for you, I would take your sadness away. Yes, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Yes, I want to know every single thing about you.


My heart says, don't let go, you're too perfect. You are my drug, you are my weed, you are my alcohol, you are my everything.


Please soften your heart, please forgive me, please come back, please be with me, please make me happy.


I still stand on my grounds, where I am willing to sacrifice everything I have just to be with you. I will never ask you to change anything about you.


I miss you and I love you.


Sincerely,
-Nathra ND-